The hidden cost of impossible expectations (for women)
Have you ever reached the end of a day having done almost everything you needed to, only to find yourself thinking about the one thing you didn’t get done?
For many women, the measure of a productive day has quietly shifted. It’s no longer enough to manage everything on the list. We expect ourselves to manage it efficiently and consistently, and often without appearing overwhelmed by the effort it takes.
When we are managing a lot, do we understand that our hands are full and we need to slow down or do we start just start trying harder? Do we end up expecting more from ourselves instead of expecting less?
There is a difference between being capable of carrying a large load and that load being reasonable or sustainable.
For women especially, there can be many things competing for their attention. We can be managing a career or study, caring for children, caring for ageing parents, maintaining friendships and financial planning. Equal attention is also given to everyday expectations like the weekly grocery shopping, the costume for the book parade, the reorganising of the closet for spring and simply keeping the household together.
When it comes to looking after ourselves, this becomes yet another area that fights for attention: work out more, keep the weight in check, sleep the required hours and, somehow, make time for ourselves.
A national study of 9,000 Australian women, Beyond the Surface 2026, gives detailed insight into this. The pressures women carry include financial stress, sleep disturbances, societal expectations, juggling work-life balance, caring for someone with a disability, parenting young children and the pressure women place on themselves. Almost one third of women identified “being too hard on my own self” as a trigger for mental health difficulties, alongside financial stress, low self-esteem and sleep deprivation.
The question to ask ourselves is: Are we expecting to do everything on our list, and to do it all efficiently? And perhaps more importantly, does being able to manage it all actually mean we’re being efficient, if the way we’re managing it isn’t sustainable?
When did women begin thinking this way? It was not a random morning when we woke up and decided everything on the list had to be done effectively and efficiently. It’s a standard built over time: I did it once, so I can do it again; I was good at it then, and it means I have to do it consistently well.
These constant comparisons and self-critiquing thoughts make a productive day look like an inefficient day. A day when we did nine of the ten items on our list but spent time at bedtime thinking of the tenth item we missed.
It is important for women to realise that we are not well-oiled machines. We are human. We can pause and wonder whether what we expect of ourselves is realistic given everything we are managing. We can then ask the question: what am I assuming about myself if I don't match my expectations?
A weeknight dinner is just that - a weeknight dinner. It's not an expectation to cook a meal from scratch that everyone will like, that meets the nutritional demands of the ageing parents and the young child alike and keeps well for lunch the next day. Sometimes, ‘everyone is fed’ is enough.
Doing less when we cannot give more is not lowering our expectations. It is simply recognising that our capacity has limits. We need to make sure our expectations get that memo!
If some of this feels familiar, it may be worth reflecting on what you’re carrying and whether it still feels sustainable. If you’d like support, our team is here to help. You can also click through to read the Beyond the Surface 2026 research into women's mental health and explore these experiences in more depth.
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